


How to survive a zombie apocalypse (and get a boyfriend)

by Deanpool



Category: Glee, Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, M/M, Slash, Zombieland AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-10 17:17:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanpool/pseuds/Deanpool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are 10 golden rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse. I have them written down in a little imaginary notebook in my mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to survive a zombie apocalypse (and get a boyfriend)

There are 10 golden rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse. I have them written down in a little imaginary notebook in my mind.

 **#1 Cardio**  
Thank god for my endless dance sessions before the zombie attack. Lots of people made fun of me for them, but now it’s a very big advantage. To my delight, many of the people who bullied me were the first ones to go. Some because they were just plain fat and, therefore, too slow, and some jocks because they thought a zombie apocalypse was either ridiculous or cool. They became careless and were easy prey for a group of hungry zombies that attacked them during a football game.

 **#2 Always take zombies seriously**  
It’s true: Zombies are dumb. Their blood smell attracts hungry predators, and biting isn't the most effective way to spread a disease. But maybe because they seem so highly disadvantaged against humans, most people don't take them seriously. Needless to say that cost them their lives. Because what they don’t have in intelligence, they make up for in sheer violence and insanity. They are completely unpredictable and that's what makes them so dangerous.  
Also they seem to have perfected the "little cute girl" maneuver. Even if I saw a cute little girl, I keep away as far away as possible. Because you never know.

 **#3 Never accept help from others**  
So maybe I broke that rule, but truth be told, I didn’t expect someone else to still be alive. Or at least I didn’t expect to meet them. Come on! What was the possibility that I would meet one of the last humans in a world full of zombies?  
Still, I met Puck. Or that was what the guy told me to call him. "No real names." With that, he renamed me “Lima.” Great, now this stupid town's name would follow me everywhere. It was neither fancy nor badass. It was just… boring.  
Puck and I met in the middle of the road only a few miles away from Lima. I was looking for something to eat and maybe a safe place to sleep when a group of zombies attacked me.  
This would have probably been my end if not for the big truck with its badass owner that had come to my rescue.  
At first we didn't know what to think of each other. Neither of us could be 100 percent sure that the other one wasn't a zombie. I had seen zombies drive a car. Sure, they weren't good but when you were already dead, it didn't matter if you broke your neck because you drove into a tree and forgot to fasten your seatbelt.  
When Puck decided I wasn't a danger, he opened the door to his car and motioned me to get into the vehicle. I gave him a last, uncertain look before I joined him on his journey to a place that, he said, was safe from the zombies.  
This wasn't the first time I broke a rule where Puck was concerned.

 **#4 Double tap**  
When you aren't completely sure that the brain-hungry fucker in front of you was dead, put two more bullets through his head as fast as possible. I knew many people who died just because they were dumb enough to go checking if the zombie was really dead or just faking it. Most of the time they were. Faking it, I mean. So even if it cost me bullets, at least I knew for sure that no zombie could survive two shots to the head. Mission completed. Easy as that.  
Puck had a habit of exaggerating it to an excessive amount. He seemed to love zombie hunting. He even established something called "zombie kill of the week." Sometimes, we spent hours talking about kills that were worth the title. Puck always tried to show off with his tales, but most of the time, I knew stories that made even my fellow traveler admit to their awesomeness.

 **#5 Beware of bathrooms**  
Zombies seem to smell it when you are at your most vulnerable. There wasn't a more ridiculous way to go than a zombie killing you with your pants down.  
So, yeah. Whenever I have to visit a bathroom (most of the time at old gas stations), I check every stall before taking the one nearest the door.

 **#6 Fasten your seat belt**  
Talking about other embarrassing ways to die. You could be the last survivor of the entire human race, but the law of inertia just didn't care.  
So always take the time to fasten your seat belt before you drive away from a horde of crazy zombies. Your neck will thank you for it.  
I have no idea how often I’ve had to remind Puck to put his seat belt on. If I tell him, he usually comes back with some dumb excuse like when we get into a dangerous situation, he can still fasten it. But he did it whenever I told him to anyway. “For you,” he said with a wink. It was kind of sweet.

 **#7 Always check the backseat**  
I didn't think of that one at the beginning of my travels. I had a rather nasty encounter with two zombies and jumped into my car just in time. I escaped one danger just to dumbly skitter into the next. Thank god I saw the zombie in my rearview mirror before he got a chance to bite me. Like all zombies, he hadn't thought of a seat belt, so when I jerked to a halt, he flew right through the windshield.  
After that incident, a new rule was added to the notebook: Always check the backseat BEFORE driving away.

 **#8 Travel light**  
I should have known better than to let Puck see the contents of my bag. My Gloucester Weekender traveling bag had been ripped apart by a pack of zombies a few weeks ago. I was still pissed about it. So I had to pack the last designer clothes I had into a totally unworthy duffel bag.  
One day, I accidentally left my bag open because I just wanted to get out of my zombie-blood-smeared clothes.  
When I came back a few minutes later, I found Puck rummaging through my clothes. When he noticed me, he held up my cheerleader uniform.  
"Your girlfriend’s?" he asked me with a smug grin.  
"No," I growled as I took my uniform back. "It's mine."  
Two months before the zombies came, I had the luck to make it onto the cheerleading squad as a male cheerleader. The coach, Sue Sylvester, had been searching for something different that would make the other cheerleading teams turn pale. I was still too damn proud to throw it away.  
"And, just for your information, I'm not into girls."  
I don't know what made me say that. Maybe I was sick and tired of hiding. I mean, for all I knew, I was one of the last humans on Earth. It was just laughable to still try to live like society wanted you to. There wasn't even a society anymore.  
I actually expected Puck to get grossed out and probably punch me because I was gay.  
But all I got was a chuckle.  
"So this here is my very own 'Save the cheerleader, save the world' mission? This is just awesome."  
He hasn't mentioned my uniform or my other clothes since.

 **#9 Don't grow affectionate**  
Though it comes at the end of the list, it’s probably one of the most important ones. Never ever befriend the people around you. You may trust them to watch your back, but don't get too close. They're going to die anyway. No need to lose your head over someone dying when you need every brain cell you have left to prevent your own death from happening.  
But Puck seemed to have never heard of this rule and made it extremely hard not to like him.  
At first he seemed like the stereotypical jock. He was big, muscular, and never knew when to shut up. He didn't care about other people's feelings, loved dirty jokes, and talked way too much about women for my liking. I stuck with him because, despite all the bad traits, he promised safety and maybe – I had to admit – I would have gone crazy without another human being to talk to.  
During my first few weeks after the zombie invasion, I learned what Tom Hanks must have felt like in “Cast Away.” Truth be told, I had already thought of naming my iPod “Coco.”  
But thank god, under all that jerkish behavior, Puck was a very nice and surprisingly charming guy.  
He gave me his jacket when I was obviously freezing; his jokes may be dirty, but they were funny (well, some of them). And even though he knew I was gay, he didn't treat me any different. No nasty insults, no girly treatment. To him, I was still the same guy I was before. That didn’t happen to me often, and I really liked that.  
OK, he smelled really good and I liked the way he smiled with not only his mouth but also with his eyes.  
I knew I should have pulled away when he kissed me after we barely escaped from a supermarket full of hungry brain devourers. But I didn't because it felt just too damn good. I knew that would probably be my biggest mistake of the apocalypse, but I couldn't have cared less.  
So I broke another rule just because of Puck.

 **#10 Don't ever fall in love**  
Yeah. Too late for that.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago for the reel_glee challenge () on livejournal for the movie "Zombieland". oh_you_dork from lj was kind enough to beta this for me.


End file.
